2016.

2016. 30 years old. I travelled. By bus. Train. Cable car. Plane. I lived. In Ipswich. By the road. Out of a suitcase. On the couch. In a bus. In a temple. In a swag. In the wild. In Japan. In someone elses bed. In my own home. I breathed. In smoke. Dust. The night air. Smog. Flowers. Mud. I touched. Hands. Fabrics. Wind. Books. Grass. Feathers. And ran my fingers through the stars. I've seen. Years worth of wonder in just a single spin around the sun. I've seen spirits crushed and built back up again. I've seen feet that look like they will never be clean again. I've seen someone for who they really are. I've seen a heart of gold and tears of joy. Blowholes and motorbikes spinning through the air. A thousand butterflies and bats. I've seen the sunrise and set on both sides of the equator and at 30,000 feet. I've seen someone learn something new. I've seen joy spread across a face and darkness that people usually hide. I've seen all my dreams come true. I've seen when its still not enough. I've felt. Pure happiness. Overhelming heat. Gratitude. Saddness and goodbyes. A numb face. Stressed beyond belief. Bitterness. Solitude. At peace. Longing. The pressure. Apathetic. Excitement. Deep restlessness. Worried. Regretful. Smiling. Spending all this time knowing. It. Will. Pass. Just like everything does. And so will this.

My list for a beautiful man.

likes dancing without needing a drink gives compliments loves fun, and fun loves him enjoys his work believes in women's success wants children, someday interested in meeting new people, and learning about them and their lives, interests and story. likes going to new places and doing new and interesting things and adventures wants to travel wants to renovate a house an animal lover could be proud of me affectionate gives massages a princess in their eyes loves me

dear sixteen year old me...

please please listen.
don’t buy magazines,
they make you feel bad.
be comfortable in your own skin,
you can't change who you are,
and why would you want to.

it was a good decision your mother made in not letting you get piercings,
trust her.
listen to your teachers,
you may think it is their job to make you miserable,
but in fact it is just their job to teach.
don't take it personally

love your freckles.
wear sunscreen.

don't cut your hair short.

read more books.
you love them,
but just don't know it yet.
fill your brain.

stop biting your fingernails,
twenty-five year old you would love to be able to grow hers,
if only they were strong enough.

look after yourself.
congratulations on not breaking any bones,
your carefulness on that front has done you good.
watch out for dislocated knees though.

save more money.
save more money.

don't look for the fairytale ending,
it won't happen.
but that’s ok.
but do look for truth,
it is out there.

don't burn your bridges.

you are smart,
don't second guess yourself.
and don't let people put you down because of it.

be kind to your friends,
even when they are annoying and dependent.
people can't always be as strong as you want them to be.
not your problem.

listen to more music.
broaden your horizons.

don't start smoking.
it's stupid.
and twenty-five year old you would be grateful if she hadn't had started getting wrinkles.

look after your body.
it's the only one you have.
in this life anyway.

be respectful.

listen to good advice,
throw away the bad.
it takes a little time to work out which is which.

help your friends through bad times.
people need you, and you need to be there for them.

laugh.
love.
give.
be thankful.

i know you won't read this.
and even if you did you wouldn't listen.
or remember.
but twenty-five year old you...
wants both of us...
to be happy.

a new day. a new blog.

this blog is for me, and me alone. to get things off my chest, to not check my spelling, to not care, or worry or furrow. to be open, free and truthful.

but the truth is we are all liars. i know i lie to myself constantly. and think to myself that i will never find out. but the truth is i don't know the truth. and so we lie.

lovers come and go, love and leave. but one thing remains. the lessons we learn from each person who comes into our lives.

i personally don't believe in anything, i don't even believe myself.